08 May 2009

Pope Benedict Endorses Terrorism!

During a pilgrimage to the Middle-East, the current Pope, Benedict XVI, expressed his "deep respect" for terrorism. He also reportedly said "Dark Side . . . Islam . . . complete," before vanishing into the shadows from whence he came.

According to Norman Uley, an important figure in the Catholic Church, "If the Pope desires us to commit acts of terrorism, it is clearly God's will. We will destroy America by any means necessary. All of us."

When contacted for comment, the Pope hissed, mumbled "Dark Side," and was silent.

07 May 2009

Raging Wildfire in California!

A wildfire in California threatens to consume the entire country, say experts. Due to a combination of dry weather and favorable wind conditions, the wildfire currently consuming California in a massive conflagration that has already killed 7 million people and caused $25 million in property damage threatens to overtake the entire country. Experts estimate that the resulting disaster will kill 250 million people and cause approximately $450 billion in damages.

"This wildfire will surely kill most of us in a massive inferno the likes of which the world has never seen. The Midwest will be lost within 2 months and it will spread to the east coast by early September. . . . The only comfort is that at least we won't be killed by the H1N1 virus." says Jane Freidrich, spokesperson for the EPA. "The worst thing is that there is absolutely nothing we can do, as the UN has closed our borders in order to contain the fire. All planes are grounded and we can't possibly escape."

This blog is hosted by Google, which is based in California, so we may go offline soon, but rest assured that I will keep you all updated as best I can until the wildfire inevitably consumes my home in Minnesota.

I have posted a poll where you can vote on what the Wildfire should be called.

05 May 2009

Swine Flu Sentient!

The H1N1 virus, more popularly known as swine flu, may have mutated a new sentient strain, say researchers. If so, it is the first sentient illness that can affect humans.

"If the H1N1 virus is indeed sentient, then we all will surely die," said Dr. Norman Uley. "Humans don't stand a chance against a virus that can think and plan."

The virus is already showing signs of planning abilities. Certain strains are able to suppress symptoms for a few days, long enough to spread.

"The virus knows that symptoms are a clear giveaway that someone is sick and that other potential hosts will shy away, especially in this environment of panic. . . . I predict that the virus will have infected us all with these guerrilla tactics within 2 months, maybe less. Everyone should start settling their affairs immediately."

So there you have it, folks. We will all be dead by years end. If I don't get infected by then, tomorrow I will post an item on who will inherit the earth once all of the humans are dead.

The Internet Alarmist

Do you ever feel that traditional news isn't sensational enough? Does it focus too much on verifiable facts and not enough on how we're all going to die?

If so, this blog is for you. We don't waste time checking our facts or even applying logic to the situation. None of that is important when the world is ending in front of our very eyes!

So read the Internet Alarmist, and feel comforted that at least someone is willing to tell you the unvarnished news.